The poet Robert Frost said "The best way out is always through." In this session you are in the eye of the hurricane. We consider the long, painful stretch of treatments--the "hanging-in" stage--the "going through" stage. If you are currently undergoing treatment this session may offer you helpful suggestions. If you are a long term survivor, it is good to revisit your reactions during this treatment period because there is much to learn about yourself here.
Consider Pain. Though researchers are discovering new ways to lessen our pain, the reality is: Cancer is Painful! We do not often get the opportunity to reflect and talk about what it is like to be in pain. We get so weary of feeling bad. Physical pain takes a great deal of our energy. Tolerance for pain gets chipped away over the long haul.
Just as we are all unique in background and memories we also have different pain levels. Some have great tolerance for pain, others have little. Acknowledge your particular level of pain endurance and then accept it. To fight against pain seem counter productive and seems to give power to the pain. Concentrate instead on gathering all your inner resources and accepting the pain. The suffering is as real as ever but the endurance of pain as a negative power is weakened and pain becomes an accomplishment for the sufferer.
Hard pain has been compared to waves in the ocean. One sweeps over you--then another. It peaks in intensity then lessens, only to be followed by another wave.
Many members of my cancer classes use a mantra (a short phrase you say over and over) to accompany these waves of pain. For me, the phrase "Jesus, son of God", as I breath in, "Have Mercy on me", as I breath out, has been helpful. I remember one night in the hospital, while I was waiting out the long hours until I could take another pain pill, saying this mantra over and over, parrot-like. It got me through the night.
The Catholic priest, Thomas Merton, raises some interesting thoughts on suffering. He said, "The Christian must not only accept suffering, he must make it holy. Nothing so easily becomes unholy as suffering. It is natural to prefer comfort to pain but beyond comfort lies grace".
2 Corinthians 12:9 My grace is sufficient for you. My power is made perfect in weakness.
You might want to reflect on these thoughts in your journal.
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Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Monday, May 28, 2012
Chapter 3: The power of words
One more post on the power of words and a look at how we tell our cancer story. Telling our individual cancer story is good and bad.
It is GOOD when we need the love and support of others, when we allow ourselves to become vulnerable and open to receiving help and support and sympathy. Telling our story can be therapeutic. It is also good when our story may be of help to others.
It is BAD if we get stuck in the story. To ourselves our story is intensely interesting but not necessarily to others. If we catch ourselves telling about our experience with cancer--over and over-- in the same way--with the same words--we are stuck in our story. And it is so easy to do! We may move into this habit without realizing it.
I was shocked to discover I was stuck in my story at the Beauty Parlor. When someone commented that my hair looked nice (as ladies do at Beauty Parlors) I would launch into my cancer story--how I recently had NO hair--what it was like to lose it all with cancer. Then on and on through my whole story. No matter that the eyes of the listeners were glazed over. No matter that these ladies were complete strangers, I told my story.
This happened several times before I realized--I was stuck in my story. Have any of you had a similar experience?
It is GOOD when we need the love and support of others, when we allow ourselves to become vulnerable and open to receiving help and support and sympathy. Telling our story can be therapeutic. It is also good when our story may be of help to others.
It is BAD if we get stuck in the story. To ourselves our story is intensely interesting but not necessarily to others. If we catch ourselves telling about our experience with cancer--over and over-- in the same way--with the same words--we are stuck in our story. And it is so easy to do! We may move into this habit without realizing it.
I was shocked to discover I was stuck in my story at the Beauty Parlor. When someone commented that my hair looked nice (as ladies do at Beauty Parlors) I would launch into my cancer story--how I recently had NO hair--what it was like to lose it all with cancer. Then on and on through my whole story. No matter that the eyes of the listeners were glazed over. No matter that these ladies were complete strangers, I told my story.
This happened several times before I realized--I was stuck in my story. Have any of you had a similar experience?
Chapter 3: Accepting your diagnosis
By now we have acknowledged that we do have cancer! It is a very real experience in our life. An excellent book I have read for coming to grips with our situation is "Yet Life is a Triumph" by Sharon Carr, preface by James T. Laney, president, Emory University, copyright, Emory University 1991. It is difficult to find a copy of this book but well worth the search. Her poetry has, for me, a way of nailing the feelings accompanying cancer yet pointing always to a deeper meaning:
" I will never forget the gulp
That meant the end of my dreams
And the start of Your meaning."
Sharon Carr
Sharon Carr
As well as poetry, art and fantasy are ways of coming to terms with our experience.
The image of dragons is a good one for me. Fire-breathing dragons represent all the monstrous, devouring elements of cancer. Now YOU are the brave knight going forth to slay this dragon. Bravely you face this representation of the emotions you fear. Project them all onto the dragon. Be bold and brave. You are going to slay this monster. As they say in fairy tales: "It is not an adventure worth telling if there aren't any dragons."
Monday, May 21, 2012
Chapter 3: Other ways of responding
As we continue to reflect on the moment of receiving our cancer diagnosis let's go dramatic! This exercise is fun to do in a class but can also be beneficial to do alone.
Following is a list of 8 responses persons have given to a diagnosis of cancer. Pretend you are the persons giving this response. Except-- you are to take it to the extreme. Become a drama queen. Let yourself go. Overact. Get into the response of this imaginary person.
1. Make your response as dramatically as you can. For example: " No one has ever had anything this terrible happen---etc."
2. Respond with apology. "I am so sorry. I know this is ruining your life and it is all my fault because---etc."
3. Respond with denial. "This is a terrible mistake. I know the tests are wrong because---etc."
4. Respond with blame. "This is all your fault. Why didn't you tell me about the dangers of---etc."
5. Respond with resentment. "I don't deserve this. I have always been such a good person. It isn't fair ----etc."
6. Laugh it off. "Come on. You're kidding, right? I'll ignore it and it will probably go away. After all----etc."
7. Respond with guilt. "I deserve this illness because of the life I have lived. This is my punishment for--etc."
8. Respond with anger. "No! I haven't got time for this. I have definite plans to---etc."
By exaggerating we realize how ridiculous all these responses are. Yet there are elements of each of these in all of us. Here is an opportunity for us to learn about ourselves. Look non-judgmentally at the way you tell your cancer story. Are you looking for sympathy? even pity? Do you secretly enjoy all the attention? Is the focus on ME? Confront any unhealthy pattern.
Ask yourself: Is this the self I want to present to the world?
There is power in language. Look at how you refer to yourself. Do you speak about yourself as a victim? a patient? a survivor? Our words can become self-fulfilling prophecies.
Following is a list of 8 responses persons have given to a diagnosis of cancer. Pretend you are the persons giving this response. Except-- you are to take it to the extreme. Become a drama queen. Let yourself go. Overact. Get into the response of this imaginary person.
1. Make your response as dramatically as you can. For example: " No one has ever had anything this terrible happen---etc."
2. Respond with apology. "I am so sorry. I know this is ruining your life and it is all my fault because---etc."
3. Respond with denial. "This is a terrible mistake. I know the tests are wrong because---etc."
4. Respond with blame. "This is all your fault. Why didn't you tell me about the dangers of---etc."
5. Respond with resentment. "I don't deserve this. I have always been such a good person. It isn't fair ----etc."
6. Laugh it off. "Come on. You're kidding, right? I'll ignore it and it will probably go away. After all----etc."
7. Respond with guilt. "I deserve this illness because of the life I have lived. This is my punishment for--etc."
8. Respond with anger. "No! I haven't got time for this. I have definite plans to---etc."
By exaggerating we realize how ridiculous all these responses are. Yet there are elements of each of these in all of us. Here is an opportunity for us to learn about ourselves. Look non-judgmentally at the way you tell your cancer story. Are you looking for sympathy? even pity? Do you secretly enjoy all the attention? Is the focus on ME? Confront any unhealthy pattern.
Ask yourself: Is this the self I want to present to the world?
There is power in language. Look at how you refer to yourself. Do you speak about yourself as a victim? a patient? a survivor? Our words can become self-fulfilling prophecies.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Chapter 3: Your response to diagnosis
Learning Point: You discover how you cope with the news that cancer has entered your life.
In earlier posts you have been pondering your uniqueness and getting a picture of you whole life to this moment. More exercises and individual examples on this theme are covered in the first two chapters of my book, Fear Not:Learning from your Cancer.
Now we move on. Though cancer survivors have much in common, each story is unique. What can you learn about yourself from reviewing your cancer story?
Today we begin with the impact of hearing your cancer diagnosis. Ask yourself four questions:
1. Where were you?
2. Who was with you?
3. What was your first reaction?
4. What were your feelings?
Honor this moment by reflecting on it.
One of the biggest surprises I had in teaching this class is how differently persons reacted to the news that they have cancer. There is no RIGHT way to respond--just YOUR way. How did you respond the moment you heard the news?
Consider first, the person who told you the news. Though most of my students received the news from their doctor, the situations were as varied as--one patient who got the news over the telephone from a nurse to another patient whose doctor made a personal call to her home with the news. Try to remember exactly what your doctor said to you.
Whirlwinds of feelings occur for most survivors when they first receive their diagnosis. Shock is a common response, though I have had students (usually those with a family history of cancer) who were expecting this diagnosis. "I remember thinking, now it is my turn" one man said. "My husband looked like a deer in the headlights when he heard the news" another student responded.
Those of us who have experienced cancer know the truth of the myriads of feelings that are triggered with the impact of cancer diagnosis. One of the characteristics common to many cancer patients is that they are not very expressive of their feelings. They tend to keep deep sentiments of anger, fear and resentment to themselves. Just as you can't deal with cancer you haven't detected, so you can't get rid of negative feelings until you recognize them. Admit you lugubrious feelings. Accept cancer's reality in your life. Here is another good time to use your journal. You don't have to burden others with all these feelings.
Now look for insight in your response to your diagnosis. Some of us want to know all the facts of our disease. Others want the barest minimum. Which describes you?
When you are in the midst of a situation you don't have the advantage of perspective. You are just in it. Now you can reflect on the experience of receiving your cancer diagnosis. Don't be hard on yourself or judge yourself in any way. From a distance consider that experience and what you will do with it.
In earlier posts you have been pondering your uniqueness and getting a picture of you whole life to this moment. More exercises and individual examples on this theme are covered in the first two chapters of my book, Fear Not:Learning from your Cancer.
Now we move on. Though cancer survivors have much in common, each story is unique. What can you learn about yourself from reviewing your cancer story?
Today we begin with the impact of hearing your cancer diagnosis. Ask yourself four questions:
1. Where were you?
2. Who was with you?
3. What was your first reaction?
4. What were your feelings?
Honor this moment by reflecting on it.
One of the biggest surprises I had in teaching this class is how differently persons reacted to the news that they have cancer. There is no RIGHT way to respond--just YOUR way. How did you respond the moment you heard the news?
Consider first, the person who told you the news. Though most of my students received the news from their doctor, the situations were as varied as--one patient who got the news over the telephone from a nurse to another patient whose doctor made a personal call to her home with the news. Try to remember exactly what your doctor said to you.
Whirlwinds of feelings occur for most survivors when they first receive their diagnosis. Shock is a common response, though I have had students (usually those with a family history of cancer) who were expecting this diagnosis. "I remember thinking, now it is my turn" one man said. "My husband looked like a deer in the headlights when he heard the news" another student responded.
Those of us who have experienced cancer know the truth of the myriads of feelings that are triggered with the impact of cancer diagnosis. One of the characteristics common to many cancer patients is that they are not very expressive of their feelings. They tend to keep deep sentiments of anger, fear and resentment to themselves. Just as you can't deal with cancer you haven't detected, so you can't get rid of negative feelings until you recognize them. Admit you lugubrious feelings. Accept cancer's reality in your life. Here is another good time to use your journal. You don't have to burden others with all these feelings.
Now look for insight in your response to your diagnosis. Some of us want to know all the facts of our disease. Others want the barest minimum. Which describes you?
When you are in the midst of a situation you don't have the advantage of perspective. You are just in it. Now you can reflect on the experience of receiving your cancer diagnosis. Don't be hard on yourself or judge yourself in any way. From a distance consider that experience and what you will do with it.
Friday, May 11, 2012
Chapter 2: More inspiration
Learning Point:ALL GOOD TIMES ARE NOT IN THE PAST.
We have looked at our personal life with our unique, one-of-a-kind background and individual childhood memories (Posts 8 and 9). Now we stress that happy memories are not just in the past. They are available to us in the here and now. Sometimes when we are first diagnosed with cancer, things in the world around us take on new value. Common, everything things become awesome. One of the things cancer does is wake us up, startle us, open our eyes to blessings we may have taken for granted. The exercises in Posts 4 and 5 help us become more aware, more focused on the Positive. We looked each day for something that surprises us and something that inspires us.
As I write this Post it is May in Virginia. Nature explodes in beauty--wild flowers cover the hill and, in structured gardens, roses and stately boxwoods shout "order" as well as beauty. The Super Moon is in the sky this week and everything is bathed in the scintillating light of its own perfection. I am reminded of a favorite quote from Iris Murdock: "People from a planet without flowers would think we must be mad with joy the whole time to have such things about us."
But this beauty may become too intense. I once had a woman in my class who was overwhelmed by the miracles of Spring. Her daughter had died just before she herself received her diagnosis of cancer. While the rest of the class were revived and energized by the beauties of Nature, she resented Spring that year. Why was everything so lovely while she was in such pain? The pressure to have a positive attitude was too much for her. She needed a time of hibernation for her soul to find peace in solitude.
This may be true for you. Listen to your own body. In time this woman came out of her dark place with a stronger appreciation and joy in living than ever before. She began to view the world from the perspective of the miraculous. A new perspective is a gift cancer can bring us, if we allow it.
We have looked at our personal life with our unique, one-of-a-kind background and individual childhood memories (Posts 8 and 9). Now we stress that happy memories are not just in the past. They are available to us in the here and now. Sometimes when we are first diagnosed with cancer, things in the world around us take on new value. Common, everything things become awesome. One of the things cancer does is wake us up, startle us, open our eyes to blessings we may have taken for granted. The exercises in Posts 4 and 5 help us become more aware, more focused on the Positive. We looked each day for something that surprises us and something that inspires us.
As I write this Post it is May in Virginia. Nature explodes in beauty--wild flowers cover the hill and, in structured gardens, roses and stately boxwoods shout "order" as well as beauty. The Super Moon is in the sky this week and everything is bathed in the scintillating light of its own perfection. I am reminded of a favorite quote from Iris Murdock: "People from a planet without flowers would think we must be mad with joy the whole time to have such things about us."
But this beauty may become too intense. I once had a woman in my class who was overwhelmed by the miracles of Spring. Her daughter had died just before she herself received her diagnosis of cancer. While the rest of the class were revived and energized by the beauties of Nature, she resented Spring that year. Why was everything so lovely while she was in such pain? The pressure to have a positive attitude was too much for her. She needed a time of hibernation for her soul to find peace in solitude.
This may be true for you. Listen to your own body. In time this woman came out of her dark place with a stronger appreciation and joy in living than ever before. She began to view the world from the perspective of the miraculous. A new perspective is a gift cancer can bring us, if we allow it.
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Chapter 1: all your happy memories are not in the past
If you are having trouble, go further back in your childhood to a time when every day was new and golden. I believe children are born with this potential for happiness. Someone in my class always says: "What if your childhood was unhappy?" Most all of my students can remember some happy moment and it is almost always of some simple experience they had. An imaginary tea party where a girl fed her dolls was what one girl remembered. Sleeping in a featherbed on a cold morning was another's memory. One remembered the fun of climbing trees , another just running as fast as he could. By entering into these past occasions of grace and joy we experience again the gift of God's love.
I always enjoy doing this exercise because as I watch my students, the expressions on their faces soften and worry lines seem to go away.
When the lights are turned back on, I ask the students to let go of the memory but hold on to the feeling of happiness. Some authorities believe that recalling times of happiness actually speeds the healing process. Flood yourself with as many happy memories as you can. These memories are a gift--unique to you alone.
If you have the opportunity, read the poem, "On Turning 10" by Billy Collins. It celebrates the wonders of being a child, small wonders that are open to all.
One caution! Don't let these happy childhood memories make you sad because they are in the past. Rejoice that they were once a part of your life.
What happy memory do you remember? You might wish too add these to your journal.
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