Chapter 5: Our bodies/an ever changing reality

   The writer Annie Dillard, though not speaking to those of us with cancer, described us well when she spoke of "frayed and nibbled survivors."  Sometimes when we look at our bodies that is just how we feel.

   The bodily changes that cancer bring are a challenge.  A new level of fatigue is something we learn to live with and, looking in a mirror we sometimes don't recognize the face looking back at us.  There is a depth and sadness in our eyes that is different.  Hard pain leaves its mark.  Look at a child's expression.  It is open, expectant, smooth with wide-eyed trust, vulnerable.  This is gone for cancer survivors.  We are taking, or have taken, a dark journey that no well person can share, and we are left with an indescribable imprint.

   It helps us to remember that our body has always been changing.  Science tells us that millions of cells in our body are changed and renewed every minute and in 7 years we do not have a single living cell in our body that was there 7 years ago.  Try to recall what your body was like at 7 year intervals and record these changes in your journal.

Remember yourself at 7 years of age.  I was _________________
Look how you had changed at 14.  I  was____________________
At 21_______________________________________________
At 28___________________________________________
Continue until your present age.

   In doing so you are observing an ever-changing reality.  "I" is something OTHER and MORE than the body.

   How do you feel about your body right now?  Sometimes it is hard for us to love this strange new body.  One student wrote: "My body is like a poor cousin asking for more help than I care to give."

   It helps to pause and thank our bodies for their continuous battle toward wellness as it tries so hard to repair itself.  Your body works through great difficulties with amazing tenacity.  The life force is strong.  Thank the veins in your arms and hands for their endurance.  Appreciate the beauty of bruises in their rainbow of colors and shapes.  Thanks the scars that make broken places stronger.  Put your analytical mind on hold and learn what the body itself can teach us.